...what if...

Whati if you want people to stop noticing you and if they don´t, you wish they would... What if you constantly feel you don´t have enough money and when you finally think that you do, you still don´t feel the security you thought it would give you... What if it always rains when you have free time and when one time it does not you just want to hide in a closet until it goes away... What if the things you think you want are not good for you and when you realize it, it´s far too late to change your course... What if life is not as easy as you expected and the right thing to do seems impossible... What if you wish someone was there to take care of you but are too stubborn to let anyone in or even past your „hey there!“... What if even your family suddenly feels like a million light years away and you feel like crying only your tears are all dried out from constantly being on your own... by choice...

Every day i somehow find myself moving towards it. Like the slight indication to what my purpose in life could be was hidden somewhere deep inside me and i am very, very slowly yet consistently sneaking up on it, trying to catch a glimpse before it vanishes once again. Then i manage to see its shivering finger and am thoroughly sure i now know what it looks like. I start to imagine the impeccable refinement of its shapes, its simple genious and above all – its purity from all the selfishness in the world. It resembles the pursuit of idealism although the practical side of me seems to scream so loud that it shatters to million tiny pieces of glass, still shimmering in the sunlight casting their reflections on the wall as to remind me: „We were here, remember us!“ And i go on with my life as i have come to know it... empty, clueless, wandering around trying to catch another glimpse, even for just one second...